Meditation on Easter Eve

Tonight, which commemorates all nights, but of all nights, the one.

He died three days ago and even though I know the end of the story, I still need to realize that, indeed, He died.

Unpleasant, difficult, nasty, horrifying death,

and yet, to buy life,

for me.

Me, unworthy, broken, flawed me – now there’s a thought worth pondering.

So in the darkness, in this night, I will ponder Him.

my life, His death,

my sin, His overcoming,

my struggles, His resurrection,

my life, His living.

And good thoughts they will indeed be

Until morning light

When we commemorate His rising

For us.

"Why do you seek the living One among the dead? He is not here, but He has risen..." Luke 24:5-6

Sometimes what you need is nothing...

Lord, I have nothing left, no ambition, no strength, no drive. I've lost my desire and my passion. I want to 'do' but the fire to 'do' is gone. I feel so discouraged.

And the Lord says, "I'm listening".

Lord, I know You are listening and I know You hear, but what do I do? I want to serve, I want to go, I want to give, but the drive is just not there any more.

And the Lord says, "I'm listening".

Listening, yes! But answer, please! I have nothing!

And the Lord says, "Sometimes what you need in nothing. You need to realize that I'm not going to give up on you, no matter what you have or don't have. You know how to give and do, now you have to learn how to live, having given all."

"Cease striving and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

What was the highlight of your year?

What was the highlight of your year? I have been asking that question during the week between Christmas and New Year’s Eve every year since college. It’s an opportunity to reflect on what the previous twelve months have entailed and how that has affected your life.

This year it has taken on a different meaning for me. In reflecting on this year, ‘highlights’ are not so much the point as ‘life changing events’, and there have been many.

The single biggest event, by any measure, is the loss of a loved one. In my case it was a parent. The implications of that alone made this a life changing year. When we lost Dad to complications of his chemotherapy in May, it was one of the hardest things our family has had to deal with. I have often said “We aren’t the first family to go through this, but it feels like we are…” There simply is no way to prepare for the reality of the absence of a person and the changes that are forced on everyone as a result of his passing.

The emotional toll of grieving aside (I still have most of that bridge to cross), the practical reality of such an event required most of our time. Circumstances demanded that Mom sell the house, an event that took more education in real estate, probate, mortgage banking and law than I’d had in many years. So many decisions, so many details, so many people through Mom’s home. And finally, the closing at the end of October, almost twenty three years to the day after they had moved into the house.

And then Mom moved in with me, a life changing adjustment for both of us to be sure. While I’ve lived alone for many years, she never has. We are dealing with everything from what’s on television to whether it should be on at all. Details, decisions, adjustments…

It hasn’t been without its rewards. I am seeing my mother is ways that I never have before. She is becoming herself, not someone’s wife or mother. She is Gerry and as such has much to offer in a curious mind and compassionate heart. I like the person that I’m meeting as it were for the first time. As she also gets to know me, we are finding common ground and interests, something that I hope continues.

So, I suppose the highlight of my year is gaining an understanding of my mother. Yes, this has been an extraordinary year in many ways, but in reality it has not been an entirely bad one.

"Say to wisdom, "You are my sister,"And call understanding your intimate friend." Proverbs 7:4